Two Steps Behind..

For more than a year now I am battling with myself on what should I believe in. I am very much aware that things changed, whether I like it or not and we are not the same as before. I think we will never be that way again.

It always pains me to look back on the old days when everything seems perfect, when I was certain that I have him on my side no matter what happens. Though I already accepted the fact that we are quite distant from each other now, I still long for the day that I will be able to talk to him again just like before. I still wish to be with him and feel his care, listen to his nonsense stories that always make me laugh. And now, I wonder if that day would come again.

I terribly miss him. He is just an arm-length away but he seems so far away. I want to call out his name but I am worried that he would ignore my voice, I want to say “how you’ve been?” but I am terrified of what his answer might be, I want to hug him and tell him how much I miss him but I am scared that he would just go away.

Every morning when I wake up I try to answer the same question over and over again, “where am I now in his life?” Sometimes I get lost in digging up something but later I came up with a very simple explanation. All things change, the surroundings, the people, the policies, even our relationship with one another. It may grow stronger or weaker; it may also end up in a blink of an eye. I don’t want to think that ours has already ended, it just changed. And the truth is I do not know who is to blame for that change. Maybe it’s the environment we are in now, or we are now more concentrated in running our own lives, or maybe because we have new priorities in life now, or even maybe we are better-off now, not knowing that we sometimes tend to forget how to say hi to one another. In the end, it is still our decision who stays or who goes in our lives.

I definitely treasure everything we have and I intend to keep it forever. Despite the hurt and longing that I am feeling right now, he still has a secured place in my heart. I guess no matter what happens I will just be two steps behind him so that when he looks back, I am still there, just waiting to be seen again..

Ang Kwento ng Buhay..

Ang buhay talaga madalas nakakatawa. Kung seseryosohin kasi ang lahat ng nangyayari baka mauwi lahat sa mental hospital. Siguro nga mapalad pa din ako dahil kahit paano sa kabila ng lahat nagagawa kong labanan ang lupit ng buhay, madalas kung hindi na kayang umiyak, dinadaan na lang sa tawa ang mga pangyayari.

Sabi ng mga kaibigan ko matatag daw ako, hindi basta ngpapatalo sa mga problema lalo na kung tungkol sa pera ang pag-aaksayahan ng panahon sa pag-iisip. Totoo yun. Para sa akin parte na ng bawat isa sa atin ang isipin kung paano yayaman kung medyo kapos sa buhay, kung kanino mangungutang o kung paano pag aabutin ang sweldo sa susunod na pay day. Abnormal lang siguro ang di iniisip ang mga bagay na yun. Katotohanan ng pagiging tao natin na kelangan natin ang panggastos para mabuhay. Pero ang gawing yun ang problema araw araw ay nakakasawang gawain.

Nakakatawa talaga ang buhay. Sa nangyayari sa akin ngayon, ito na lang ang inilalagay ko sa isip ko para maging madali ang lahat. Naisip ko, gaya ng palaging sinasabi ni Kuya Kim, ang buhay ay weder –weder lang. Talagang pana-panahon lang ang lahat…

Madalas ko maitanong sa sarili kung bakit ang lahat ay kelangang magbago. Minsan kasi hindi nakakatuwa ang mga nangyayaring pagbabago. Dumarating yung oras na nakakalimutan ka na ng mga taong mahal mo. Dati-rati masaya ka na kasama sila pero dumadaan din na nararamdaman mo may nagbago na sa pagsasamahan. Sino ba ang dapat sisihin?Minsan akala mo ganun ka kaimportante para sa isang tao pero sa dulo ng lahat akala mo lang pala yun. Dati andyan lang siya sa tabi mo, handa kang samahan at makinig sa mga kwento mo kahit hanggang madaling araw pero magigising ka na lang sawa na pala siya sa istorya ng buhay mo. At madalas kong maisip ngayon buti pa yung dati. Alam ko kasi nun na nararamdaman nya kung malungkot ako at kelangan ko ng kausap. Kung kelangan ko ng katawanan, kalokohan, kaiyakan alam ko maasahan ko siya.

Masakit nga pala na mabalewala ka ng isang tao, kahit pa sabihin mo sa sarili mo na naiintindihan mo siya. Ang buhay nga naman. Minsan hindi mo namamalayan kung sino pa yung taong pinakamalapit sa iyo siya yun madalas mo hindi mapansin, madalas mabalewala, madalas makalimutan, madalas masaktan. Ang masakit, ganito talaga ang buhay..

Minsan gusto kong magwala, sumigaw at ilabas lahat ng gusto kong sabihin sa mundo. Pero alam ko din mas marami pang tao dyan ang mas gustong murahin ang mundo kesa akin, alam ko may mas matindi silang dahilan kesa akin. Kaya nga kahit ganito ako ngaun, sabi nga nila, nakakatawa pa. Sa buhay kasi, alam ko kung may nawawala, meron din dumarating. Ang mahalaga lang dapat marunong tayong mghintay at magtiwala.

Hindi pa tapos ang kwento kong magulo, hindi pa tapos ang kwento ng buhay. Sana bukas iba naman ang ihip ng hangin para mas masaya..

Mission Impossible...

I already set an ultimatum to myself – I should end the dilemma that is haunting me for quite some time now. I know it would really be a challenge and a struggle for me yet I also understand that it is the best thing to do.

But in spite of my determination to go on with it, there are still so many questions that keep on popping up in my mind. I would be the greatest pretender if I would not admit that I am scared of the possible consequences of what I am going to divulge. But I also know that doing it will give me the peace I very much desire for quite long. It will grant me freedom from what is not real.

If it will not turn good, I will still be thankful that at least I will be able to bare it all, for its been inside me and consuming half of my being for so long. Also, it will imply one thing, that is, I am right from the very beginning, that I just made myself believe in everything that I thought is really there. It will substantiate the very reality that I am eluding from the start of this journey.

Doing it doesn’t mean giving up everything. I just know that I have to act right now before it will be too late for me. I just realized I still have a life of my own to run and now I want to feel everyday of it. I want to feel alive again!

From The Heart

“People change..” These past few months this very simple truth became one of my guiding principles. As they say, the only constant thing in this world is change. Nobody really knows what will happen tomorrow or what we will become several days, months or years from now. But one thing is for sure – as we live our days here on earth changes will always happen to us whether we are aware of it or not. Changes are good if it is for our betterment and of the people around us. But as we know changes can also be harmful if we do not recognize the reasons behind our transformation.

In my part, I know that there have been so many changes, inside and out. Mostly those changes occurred because my surroundings changed, the people in it changed. And so I decided that I have to go with the flow because if not, I will be left out. If not, I will just hurt myself. Recently, I realized that there are so many changes that are beyond my control. Yet, there are still moments when I ask myself if that is really the way it should be? It is so heartrending to reflect that even your best friend can be just a friend, your special someone can be just someone, and the person who always stays with and listens to you are somehow busy running their time because there have been changes in their lives as well.

Sometimes we are not conscious of the changes that are happening to us. And sometimes we try not to discern those changes because we are afraid of what we may discover in the end of the tunnel. Maybe at this point, I am still uncertain to go further in the tunnel because I am not yet ready to face whatever it is that I will unravel at its end.

Changes also have many faces. It can make you long for a friend. And at this juncture I terribly miss a dear one. Being with him is not actually what I miss for I know that so much have changed in his routines. More than that, it is the time when he listens to my little adventures in life, whether I am looking at the full moon tonight or what my dreams were last night. I miss those moments when we exchange accounts about petty things that always make us laugh. I long for our conversations of the past, the present and the future, of almost everything that comes to our mind. No matter how senseless or how sensitive our topics are, sharing my thoughts and experiences with him is at all times very heartwarming. Now, I yearn to tell him my stories again and feel his care, his presence.

I am sure there are reasons why we are what we are now. But whatever they are, I hope we really still have each other…

When It Was Black..

Life is just a matter of choice. Everyday we make choices that actually give life to our existence. We may choose to be content and be happy with what we already have or we may opt not to stop from achieving more. We may decide to live in vain or be strong in facing the cruelty of life that essentially shapes our character. We may prefer to breathe in the shadow of the past or get on with our lives and continue to believe that life has more to offer as long as we know how to embrace life itself.

Sometimes we are caught in the middle of making those choices simply because we are scared of what might happen next. The truth is every now then we are afraid that we may not be able to survive the consequences of our decisions. Nevertheless, if we really want to live a great life, we have to arm ourselves with courage and fortitude in facing the cost of our actions whatever it is.

These past few days I keep asking if I really made the right decision. I often told myself that it is what I want; it’s my choice and I know at this juncture it is the best thing to do. Maybe because I can’t feel the pain anymore and at this point, I don’t have the strength to endure. As they say, feel the pain until it hurts no more…

My choice cost me my happiness and my self -worth. My happiness because I know deep inside me that he still holds a portion of myself. I can’t completely let go of things that keeps me in the dark. Yet I also know that I need to make a move before I totally lose my self.
Making choices is probably one of the most difficult things to do because sometimes it takes years to recover from the ramification of our decisions. That is exactly what I am feeling right now. It seems to me that I am giving up my happiness to save myself from ruin. The question that nagging me now is, will I survive? Will I still be me when I know that I am giving up a very important piece of myself?

Then I thought when it was black. When it was, everything is real, all is true and heartfelt. Now I wish, I really wish that it is still black…

Araw - araw...

Ikinukundisyon ang sarili sa paggising ng tama sa oras para hindi mahuli sa trabaho pero minsan bigo pa din na makarating sa oras..

Nag iisip kung ano ang pwede na mabaon na pang ulam. Kapag walang binalot siguradong di makakakain sa oras..

Palaging pinaalalahanan ang sarili na bawat araw ay iba kesa kahapon. Kung may mangyayaring di kaaya aya, ang lahat ng yun ay bahagi lamang ng buhay..

Isinisiksik sa isipan na di dapat inaabala ang sarili sa mga bagay na mgpapasakit lang ng ulo at magiging sanhi lang ng kalungkutan..

Pilit kinukumbinsi ang sarili na okay lang ang lahat, kahit umiiyak ang kalooban dapat nakangiti pa din..

Iba’t ibang tao ang nakakasalamuha, iba’t ibang mukha. Dapat matandaan silang lahat para mas masaya ang buhay..

Pinaplano kung kaylan bibili ng bagong cellphone. Ilang beses nang binalak pero hanggang ngayon wala pa din..

Pinag-iisipan kung paano papagandahin ang design ng blog pero hindi maisingit dahil sa dami ng trabaho..

Pinipigilang alalahanin ang mga bagay na wala nang katotohanan ngayon. At unti – unting kinakalimutan ang mga bagay na kahit kaylan ay di na muling mangyayari..

Tinatanong ang sarili kung ano ba ang gusto sa buhay. Hanggang ngayon malabo pa din ang kasagutan..

Paulit-ulit na sinasabi sa sarili na kahit kaylan di talaga kami magtatagpo sa gitna. Dapat harapin ang katotohanan gaano man ito kasakit..

Araw araw tinitingnan ko ang aking buhay sa iba’t ibang aspeto, kung ano na ba ang nangyari, ang nagbago. Marami na ang nangyari, may magaganda meron din hindi. Pero kahit ano pa man, nasa atin na kung paano natin haharapin at tatanggapin ang mga ito. Narealize ko may mga bagay talaga na mahirap tanggapin, mga pagbabago na di agad natin kayang isaisip at isapuso. Na kung pipilitin natin ang sarili na gawin yun ay lalo lamang tayong mahihirapan. Kaylangan natin ng panahon para pag-aralang tanggapin ang lahat. Naisip ko din minsan kaylangan nating pakawalan ang isang bagay kahit gaano man ito kahalaga sa atin para maging malaya tayo, para maipagpatuloy natin ang ating buhay ng mas masaya at mas maayos gaano man ito kasalimuot..

Words That Rule My World!!!

Do you believe in the overwhelming power of words? If not, think of the words spoken to you by your mortal enemy. Recall how you react to every single word thrown at your face and how you tried your best not to kill him. Recall how your music professor told you that you probably can sing but don’t ever do it if someone is listening and remember how wretched you are on that terrible day. Recall how your heart jumped every time your crush says hi to you and how that two- letter word can brighten up your day. And recall the comforting words spoken to you by your friends and how wonderful your feeling is after listening to their voices.

Truly words can command us and affect us in so many ways. It can make us smile, it can provoke us, and it can make our tear glands work at its best. Words can even destroy us or save us. But I believe that words have that greatest impact on us if the person who utters the precious words holds a special place in our heart. Here are some words or phrases that somehow became my guiding principles in my everyday battle to survive in this cruel world. Most of these powerful words came from special people in my life and I thank them for sharing this piece of them to me.

“Darating din ang alas siete ng gabi..”

A dear friend of mine once told me this phrase when I was on the verge of breaking down because of the pressure I was having that time for being a thesis adviser. As an interpretation, these words simply mean that I should not worry too much on anything because no matter what it will soon be over. What is more important is that I have done what should be done and I did my role the best way I can. In these words, he also implies that I should let other things be specially if I don’t have control over those things. He really is so good in making me see things in simple perspective. I guess that is why I love him. Now, every time that I am under pressure or I am doubting my abilities, I always bear these words in my mind, his words that I adopted and became a part of me…“darating din ang alas siete ng gabi..”

“You will still be you even without him..”

When one of my friends told this to me last night, I asked myself if it will hold true in my current situation. I know that he has in his heart my best interest; and I know that he doesn’t want to see me wasting my life to someone who is not worth it. I am actually thankful for he is always there to give me a tap or a push through his words that usually bring me back to my senses. In truth, I want to believe that I will still be complete even without that person in my life. I never really thought about it but because of this huge friend of mine, I come to realize that I still have so much in me that I can share to someone. Because of these words, my sense of self worth has somehow come back to life.

“ Lilipas din yan..”

This is one of my favorite lines, not from a movie or a song but from the conversations I have with one of my friends. It is amusing that most of the times we borrow each other’s famous lines if we need to comfort one another . When she first said these words to me, I thought she is already tired of listening to my same old story. But then I realized that she is trying to console me by telling me that whatever I am feeling will come to an end by letting go, so I don’t have to make myself suffer any longer. And now, whenever I am in my “topak” mood I always remind myself, “lilipas din ito..” This phrase serves as a reminder that I should not dwell on things that would trigger the pain that I am already enduring. And its true, “lahat ng sakit na nararamdaman natin ay lilipas din..”

I am definite that you also have specials words in your heart that somehow change something in you and beyond those words is one of the most amazing and marvelous words I know…FRIENDS…