Two Steps Behind..

For more than a year now I am battling with myself on what should I believe in. I am very much aware that things changed, whether I like it or not and we are not the same as before. I think we will never be that way again.

It always pains me to look back on the old days when everything seems perfect, when I was certain that I have him on my side no matter what happens. Though I already accepted the fact that we are quite distant from each other now, I still long for the day that I will be able to talk to him again just like before. I still wish to be with him and feel his care, listen to his nonsense stories that always make me laugh. And now, I wonder if that day would come again.

I terribly miss him. He is just an arm-length away but he seems so far away. I want to call out his name but I am worried that he would ignore my voice, I want to say “how you’ve been?” but I am terrified of what his answer might be, I want to hug him and tell him how much I miss him but I am scared that he would just go away.

Every morning when I wake up I try to answer the same question over and over again, “where am I now in his life?” Sometimes I get lost in digging up something but later I came up with a very simple explanation. All things change, the surroundings, the people, the policies, even our relationship with one another. It may grow stronger or weaker; it may also end up in a blink of an eye. I don’t want to think that ours has already ended, it just changed. And the truth is I do not know who is to blame for that change. Maybe it’s the environment we are in now, or we are now more concentrated in running our own lives, or maybe because we have new priorities in life now, or even maybe we are better-off now, not knowing that we sometimes tend to forget how to say hi to one another. In the end, it is still our decision who stays or who goes in our lives.

I definitely treasure everything we have and I intend to keep it forever. Despite the hurt and longing that I am feeling right now, he still has a secured place in my heart. I guess no matter what happens I will just be two steps behind him so that when he looks back, I am still there, just waiting to be seen again..